Disturbia
** out of five
Directed by D.J. Caruso
Starring Shia LeBeouf, Sarah Roemer, and Carrie-Anne Moss
Way back in 1954, a great director named Alfred Hitchcock made one of the greatest movies of all time, Rear Window. It was a thrilling, innovative, and, most of all, original work of art, and I highly recommend it to all of you. I wish the story ended there.
Decades later, someone realized that they could make a movie just like Rear Window, cater it to teenagers who had never seen that movie, and make money. So they cloned it, right down to the characters and the theme of voyeurism, and their sinister plan succeeded. Why? Because nobody told all you naive teenagers about Rear Window until it was too late. Maybe cloning is immoral after all.
I knew what Disturbia was ripping off the moment I first saw the trailer. No trailer could have told me what was in store for me once I’d walked into the theater. Whatever wasn’t taken from Rear Window was culled from every teen movie ever made. The leading characters are defined by their angst, and not by much else. Kale’s (LeBeouf’s) excuse is his grief over his father’s death a year ago. Ashley’s (Roemer’s) is…er…she argues with her parents. Inconceivable! Add to that a horndog best friend/sidekick, plugs for iTunes, Bikini Destinations, Xbox Live, and countless other brand names, all in the first hour, and the word “gnarly”, and you have the most unoriginal movie ever made. The movie’s only saving grace is Shia LeBeouf’s acting. He deserves much better than this. I could see him as Holden Caulfield. What a waste.
Disturbing, isn’t it? So much so, I decided I would rather quell the disturbance in my stomach by going home and eating dinner before the movie was over. Between Spider-Man 3’s slow 140 minutes, and the painful hour of Disturbia, maybe I should have brought more snacks. Once I got home, I had a delicious dinner of steak, rice, and apple pie. All in all, I don’t regret the decision to spare my eyes from forty-four more minutes of pure disturbance. After all, you know you snuck into a bad movie when you walk out wanting your money back.
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