Area Teen Up To Something

GREENFIELD, OH—A local teenager, standing on the corner of Spring Street and Dunlap Lane, is clearly up to some kind of no good, neighborhood sources reported Thursday.

Neighbors are keeping close watch on the teen, who has an unsettling number of pockets.

The teenager, spotted by Greenfield residents at approximately 4:36 p.m., has been described as tall, suspiciously quiet, and almost certainly looking for trouble. According to concerned sources, the teenager has absolutely no business being out there like that.

"Just look at him," said Bob Page, one of several men and women currently watching the 14-year-old from their living room window. "That boy's definitely up to something." - The Onion

Gotta love The Onion.

Commuting To Work

After the California legislature managed to pass the strictest emissions standards--zero emissions--on automobiles in America, intrepid Californians have started to “Bike Pool” to work. “It’s a real challenge keeping your balance when the rest of traffic slows. I tend to fall over several times during a commute, breaking all my stuff or like losing my cell phone, but it’s worth it because we’re saving the environment and really sticking it to the Oil companies. Although, it does take me three hours to get to work now,” says newly minted bike commuter Mark Anderson. California highway patrol reports an increase in people pulled over due to exhaustion, flat tires, and heart attacks. But there is some good news according to California highway Patrolman Chris Meyer, “speeding is down, way down.” - Vulcan's Hammer

Credit to VH for producing an Onion-esque headline.

Steaming Black Guy Heads

NEW YORK—Steaming black-guy heads, the traditional sign of approaching winter for generations of football fans, have been occurring later in the season with every passing year, a fact that may be evidence of a climatic change with long-term effects on football itself, top scientists in the meteorological department of the National Football League said in a study released Monday.

"The phenomenon of weather-related African-American supracranial vaporous emission, or 'Steaming Black-Guy Heads,' as it is colloquially known, occurs when cold dry winter air comes into contact with hot, humid, shaven heads of football players, causing their personal water vapor to condense and rise on a column of heated air," the statement read in part. "It is then observed by network cameramen, who overwhelmingly choose to film African-American players due to the dramatic contrasts that result—especially when the player in question is backlit—and beamed to millions of households during time-outs, replay reviews, and other stoppages of play. The viewers then realize that winter has come to America." - Source: The Onion