Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Frank Zappa

This was just a character sketch assignment we had to do for Creative Writing. Note: I don't actually detest the Carpenters, you'll understand later. Enjoy!

I’m only in it for the Money

People look at me and see Frank Zappa. I have his long, curly, dark brown hair, his legendary mustache, his brown eyes, and most importantly his high and nasal voice. I have virtually no personality, so I just act like Zappa; it helps me survive….literally. You would be surprised actually; I can scrape put a living as a Frank Zappa look alike and impersonator. Boy, my folks are proud of me!
I wasn’t always a loser though. I used to have family, friends, steady income… a life. But, those days ended years ago. In fact, if you want to hear a funny, little tidbit about my pathetic existence, before I leave for my Frank Zappa look a like convention in Fife, Alabama, then I’ll briefly give you the time. Well, here it goes, a few buddies of mine and I were attending a Carpenters Convention in New York City about ten years ago, just for the hell of it. Since, we all know the Carpenters blew and made the cheesiest, sappiest, bubble gummiest, music that the Dark Lord has had to offer, and so we Zappa elitists piss on any music that doesn’t challenge the status quo and break down the barriers of the musical landscape. But, anyway, instead of me ranting and raving, let me get back to the story. So, we’re at this Carpenters Convention and everyone is looking really pitiable and useless, and this Karen Carpenter look alike nervously saunters over to me for no apparent reason. She looked just like Karen all right, brown hair, brown eyes, white suit, skinny body, a little too skinny, not sure if she was trying to capture the anorexic stage of her life or not, but whatever. So, as she approaches me, she inquires, “Great song isn’t it?” “We’ve Only Just Begun” was playing on the loud speaker. Of course, she had to ask twice, because it was so goddamn loud, with everyone singing a long in the place. I’m surrounded my frigging morons. So, I immediately respond, “Oh yeah, of course, it’s a classic.” I felt sick to my stomach, just saying the words. But, I was a charming fella back then, not the witty, arrogant, prick you’ve come to love. So, we sat down and discussed our favorite songs, none of them alike, but that’s ok, and I scratched my mustache as I tend to do when I get nervous. So, as the hours passed, I ditched my friends and headed back to her place. And so long story short, I got Karen Carpenter knocked up and I have only seen the kid twice in ten years. Yeah, things pretty much went down hill from there.
But hey, I gotta make my flight for the next Frank Zappa look alike Convention, so I’ll talk to y’all later. Peace.

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