A Visit from the Co-Founder

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the site
Étudiants' laziness
Had reached its height.
Two news posts, then YouTube?
A mention of me?
Nothing on President
Bob Mugabe?

It's called newsmap, buddy.
I sent you the link.
Refer to it
So your website won't stink.
But slow days on this blog
Aren't anything new.
Tonight everybody
Has something to do.

But since I'm a nice guy
I came back tonight
To bring back some quality
To my old site.
No one in my basement
But me and some mouses
So I'll kill some time
By going to some houses.

Already had dinner,
Can't unwrap 'til twelve
So into your psyches
This poem will delve.
Acting like Santa,
Put in Chris's sock
The mic that Bill Hicks used
To suck Satan's cock.

As for my friend Fallon,
I went to his place
And dropped off a fancy new
Electric bass.
To reach Hurton's place
I traveled through fog
To drop off some leashes
That fit on a dog.

He's a dog sitter
So give him your cash.
I can't do it.
Dogs give me a rash.
I gave Ryan Suh
A new tennis racket
That surely would get him
Into the top bracket.

Did you know Liz
Has a dog named Bichon?
I gave her a scooper
For poop on the lawn,
The living room, bed,
Kitchen, yard, and basement...
Liz just wonders
Where her bass guitar went.

And as we all know,
Glen cannot get laid
So I gave my friend
An inflatable maid.
I went down his chimney
And sneezed from the dust.
Too bad for me
That this trip was a bust!

Glen had been sleeping,
But woke up, said, "Hey!
Completely forgot
A new song of the day!"

So he went to the hallway,
Noticed something queer.
Saw me, asked
"What the hell you doing here?"

"Just dropping a gift off,"
I said with a smile.
Then he says,
"You haven't posted for a while.
You need to come back, Ben!
The site has sucked wind
Ever since you went
And left it behind!"

"I can't come back, Glen.
That would be so lame.
I'm in college, 'Wakefield'
Is in the site's name!
I live there no longer.
The city's my home.
I can't keep on writing
For a high school tome."

Glen replied to me,
"Yet you have the gall
To come to my house
With a big blow-up doll."
And I said, "Come on man,
You guys don't need me."
"That's not what you said
Back in stanza three!"

"Okay, so I lie,
But it's friendly advice!
All so you won't make the
Same mistake twice.
I know you have ideas to
Make this site great!"
Then remembered 2.0
And said "Oh, wait."

Then I told Glen,
"Look on the bright side for once.
Your numbers are decent,
God knows you're no dunce.
You and the others
Can get what you want
And make '09 the year
Of the Étudiant!

There's plenty of talent.
It hasn't been harnessed.
Guns haven't been slung yet.
Swords haven't been varnished."
Maganzini told me
"You suck at rhyming!"
"Hey, give me credit for
Rhythmic timing!"

As I headed home, heard,
"Will you post again?"
And then replied, "Only
Every now and then.
Étudiant's yours now.
Update it with care."
And then I left his house
And messed up my hair.

So let us look forward
To 2009
And end this poem,
Which has been so asinine.
Hope you all have
A fun-filled Christmas night.
Happy holidays, y'all,
And visit my new site!

In a Better World...There Would Be More Good News

Ever wonder why the Étudiant is so sarcastic all the time? We writers have become so disillusioned and skeptical of the people in power, and have turned this site into a place to vent and joke - to deal with it by writing. You know, a blog.

Not that we're a bunch of sad sacks - in fact, Glen and DeCarlo must be Morrissey's most upbeat fans - it's just that the news media's top priority is to turn all its consumers into Holden Caulfield. Bill O'Reilly gets you to hate Bin Laden's driver while the FOX News ticker constantly reminds us that the terrorists might strike. The corruption in China has made this year's Olympics the most controversial contest in a while.

The media has taught us how to look at the good grass on the other side of the fence and wonder why the grass on our side is a grayish shade of brown. The nation of Iraq is making so much progress, making us wonder if the mission is truly accomplished and if we can withdraw. Barry continues to inspire the world with his favorite words - hope, change, and unity - only for his chief opponent to compare him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Harsh, John.

Our cynical society doesn't want us to look forward to the future, but we try anyway. We try to help each other by writing what not to do at an airport, or by adding music to the day. We try to remember that whether things get better or things get worse, we'll always have our friends around to cheer us up.

All in all, we just have to remember that, no matter what the news media would rather have us believe, life is good. There's good people all around, and plenty of good things happening, and we Americans are especially lucky to be here. In a better world, the media would remind us of that.

Top Tan List: Weird Things That Happened This Week

Either the planets have aligned, the world is coming to an end, or God just picked this week to toy with us. Whatever the cause, this was a very strange, though very enjoyable, week. In fact, instead of the usual This Week in É format, I've put together a post of the ten weirdest moments of the past few days.

10) Confirming a few of the rumors, the Boston Red Sox traded one of their stars, Manny Ramirez, to the Dodgers. The weird thing is all the former Red Sox stars are becoming Dodgers - Manny joins Nomar and Derek Lowe! Four years ago, that was OUR lineup!

9) As you should know, I'll be leaving this site when I move in to Emerson. Subsequently, Glen dared me to reach 1, 000 posts before I depart - and I did, by tagging older, previously untagged updates. Hooray for tags!

8) On this blog, you hear a lot about a famous linguistics professor/author/political aficionado named Noam Chomsky. This week, Professor Chomsky became aware of our little site AND had a little talk with our own Glen Maganzini. Good work, Glen.

7) Chris Mogni...yes, THAT Chris Mogni...made a splash, as he tends to do, with his first work as an Étudiant - two posts about his summer homework. Don't worry, incoming juniors - the required reading doesn't get worse than Walden. You'll like some of your required reading. You really will.[/foreshadowing]

6) Chris DeCarlo makes this list not for any post he made this week, but for any post he didn't. After a couple Daily Recommendations, he disappeared from the blog to focus on his homework. Congratulations to Chris for getting a life!

5) Glen's been posting videos for a while now, but the content of those clips has gone in a direction far from the daily newscast format. This week saw the darkest, most personal, most introspective video yet, besides, of course, Rex Lam's return to Wakefield. Joking aside, check out Glen's look back on the last three years, in a video that just might destroy any chance he might have had of getting a girlfriend THIS year.

4) New Étudiants aren't too unusual. This week, we welcomed a few new additions, Mike Brisbon, Brian Hickey, Rob Reinold, Petar Todorov and...Chris Mogni. Yes, THAT Chris Mogni.

3) The other co-founder, Chris Morrill, is a bit of an insomniac. It's not weird for him to be out somewhere in another town long past midnight - but for me? Anyway, I had plenty of fun hanging with Chris and Brian Hickey on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning - and the strangest moment had to be when we were approached by the most insane stranger we've ever encountered.
She spent about ten minutes talking to us - each sentence having nothing to do with the last. It sounded something like this...
"Excuse me, but would you happen to know a restroom I could use? I like your haircut. You don't put sea kelp in your hair, do you? Because I do, and it costs 83 cents!"
I could go on, but any more would drive YOU insane.

2) Liz, Glenna Regan, and I danced the samba. This story began when Liz posted about a dance class at MIT and invited her fellow Étudiants to it. Unfortunately, only two of them went, because only two of them aren't pussies.

1) I went to a George Michael concert. I've always thought he was talented, and liked a few songs, but I never thought I'd actually go to see him at the TD Banknorth Garden. But when my cousin invited me to go, I asked, "Why not?" And you know what? It was a good show.

This Week in É: July 18-26, 2008

We've spent this week preparing for the big re-launch on September 1. É2.0 will take much more than six people to run, so we need all the help we can get. More details here.
Meanwhile, I've finally joined Glen and Chris in their video series, talking about a recent show and loudly covering favorite songs. We welcomed our promising new writer, Cameron Williams. Follow his lead and join the revolution!

This Week in É: July 10-17, 2008

Who had the best week here at the Étudiant? Perhaps it was Glen, who briefly saw Suzuki Smith on Saturday, leading me to create this tongue twister: "Someone saw Suzuki Smith Saturday." Say that five times fast. Chris and I can also brag of having gone to a great show this week. The big three of the Étudiant saw Palm, Abe Vigoda, High Places, and No Age on Monday, and will review the concert in an upcoming video!
Meanwhile, Fallon took a trip to the Union's most boring state, New Hampshire. Liz welcomed Rex Lam back from China in a video that defies description. Chris turned 18, I listened to some music, and Ryan Suh still hasn't posted since March. Come on, man.

This Week in É: July 3-10, 2008

I've realized something: the other writers are slowly, but surely, taking over. Not that that's a bad thing - I'm out of here at the end of August anyway - in fact, it's led to another big week here. Glen posted his AP History essay on Prohibition, drawing the attention of The Prohibition Era author Suzanne Lieurance. A few days later, Glen posted the hilarious viral video, "I'm Voting Republican", prompting a comment from one of the video's stars, Jason J. Baker, A.K.A. Rev. David Madison.
Meanwhile, Chris and Glen talked about Chomksy and the Minutemen, Fallon took some photos, and we all put our music players on shuffle. As for me, I'm just trying to stay tuned to the latest news. The fun never ends...and stay tuned for the much-hyped revamp, which Glen and I have been working on, along with a talented designer named Ed Vo....

Check out Liz's blog!

http://lizbth.tumblr.com/
Check out the tracks on her MySpace as well: I lend keys to "62708". Also, due to her recent increase in free time, she'll be back on the Étudiant soon...

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