Speed Racer review

Speed Racer
Rated PG
** out of five
Written and directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski
Starring Emile Hirsch, John Goodman, and Christina Ricci
Put your hand in front of your eyes. Put your other hand behind that hand, but so that you can see both. Now, without moving your hands, focus on one. Good. Now focus on the other, but, again, no moving the hands.
Now, go over to the Wachowski brothers and use your hands to bash their heads together for making this movie that displays that, in many more ways than the one described in the first paragraph, they have lost focus. If you're going to spend $100 million making a movie, you better have that focus. You better know what you're doing.
Otherwise, you'll just spend that $100 million making a mess. You'll get so excited over the fact that you have a new high definition camera that can focus on every single element of the shot all at once, completely forgetting that staring at such camera work for 135 minutes straight will give the audience a headache. Wait, isn't that what filmmakers should AVOID doing?
Just about everything about this movie made my head hurt. From the overly colorful visuals, to the overabundance of unrealistic digital paintings, to the confusion over whether this movie wants to be long or short, animated or live action, a tribute to the old TV show or a parody of it. It's a cheesy, fun romp for the kids! Oh, wait, a character just swore! It's for an older crowd! Oh, wait, it's too juvenile for anyone over 10 to appreciate! Which demographic is this movie FOR?
Your best bet is for you and your loved ones to stay clear of this terrible movie, unless you and your loved ones like hurting yourselves. Andy, Larry, leave the family movie making to Disney and Pixar, and stick to what you're good at - making R-rated classics like The Matrix and V for Vendetta. Only an older crowd could handle movies like that - Speed Racer proves that if you show a Wachowski movie to the younger ones, it'll only make their heads hurt.